For these past few months, I reflected a LOT on why I could not stay put in a single career path. I kept jumping from one to another, sometimes after a few months, sometimes after a year. The last career I tried lasted for 2 years, and when I got tired of getting nowhere, I quit. Again.
At first I blamed it on depression. And up until now, I consider getting some professional help, thinking it could “fix” me, and get rid of whatever it is that’s holding me down. Maybe I do have depression. Maybe it is just some quarter life crisis. Maybe not. I am still not sure. What I usually do when something is troubling me, I do some research. I read about it. I ask around. I watch videos. And though I saw a lot of emo kids I could not take seriously (I’m sorry, my judgemental personality just shuts out what I find “whiny” and “plain drama”.), I also found people who, despite having similar or worse circumstances than I do, accomplished profound and amazing things in their lives.
Some harsh realization hit me, and I came to assess that maybe I was just finding something else to pin my mistakes on. I blamed it on a sickness. I blamed it on my upbringing. I blamed it on society and all the pressures this world was giving me. I blamed it on my life decisions, on the scarcity of job options my degree provided me with. I even blamed it on my DNA (we had a family history of mental illnesses.)
But the truth is, I just was not “adult” enough. I did not know what being an adult meant. And I still don’t. I just wanted all the freedom of being an adult, but I hated the responsibilities that come along with it. I hated how things were not like I imagined. I underestimated how difficult life could get. And when bad things happened to me, I did not know how to handle it like an adult. I always ran away, by losing my self in the world of fantasy through books and TV. I was still very naive, not knowing that bad things could get way worse, thinking that friendship and love and rainbows and sunshine would make it all better. It wouldn’t. Friends have their own problems, and sometimes they couldn’t come through. Love can sometimes turn into hate. Rainbows wouldn’t fix the damages after a typhoon destroys your town. And too much sunshine can give you sunburn.
I don’t know if I would do better this time.
I’m just tired of being broke.
And getting nowhere.
I don’t even know how to begin.
But I am starting over. And hopefully this time, I know better.
(Note: Dear readers, any advice you could give a confused child in her mid-twenties? Please feel free to share your experiences and opinions. Thank you for reading.)