Thoughts on Being a Disastrous Adult 

For these past few months, I reflected a LOT on why I could not stay put in a single career path. I kept jumping from one to another, sometimes after a few months, sometimes after a year. The last career I tried lasted for 2 years, and when I got tired of getting nowhere, I quit. Again.

At first I blamed it on depression. And up until now, I consider getting some professional help, thinking it could “fix” me, and get rid of whatever it is that’s holding me down. Maybe I do have depression. Maybe it is just some quarter life crisis. Maybe not. I am still not sure. What I usually do when something is troubling me, I do some research. I read about it. I ask around. I watch videos. And though I saw a lot of emo kids I could not take seriously (I’m sorry, my judgemental personality just shuts out what I find “whiny” and “plain drama”.), I also found people who, despite having similar or worse circumstances than I do, accomplished profound and amazing things in their lives.

Some harsh realization hit me, and I came to assess that maybe I was just finding something else to pin my mistakes on. I blamed it on a sickness. I blamed it on my upbringing. I blamed it on society and all the pressures this world was giving me. I blamed it on my life decisions, on the scarcity of job options my degree provided me with. I even blamed it on my DNA (we had a family history of mental illnesses.)

But the truth is, I just was not “adult” enough. I did not know what being an adult meant. And I still don’t. I just wanted all the freedom of being an adult, but I hated the responsibilities that come along with it. I hated how things were not like I imagined. I underestimated how difficult life could get. And when bad things happened to me, I did not know how to handle it like an adult. I always ran away, by losing my self in the world of fantasy through books and TV. I was still very naive, not knowing that bad things could get way worse, thinking that friendship and love and rainbows and sunshine would make it all better. It wouldn’t. Friends have their own problems, and sometimes they couldn’t come through. Love can sometimes turn into hate. Rainbows wouldn’t fix the damages after a typhoon destroys your town. And too much sunshine can give you sunburn.

I don’t know if I would do better this time.

I’m just tired of being broke.

And getting nowhere.

I don’t even know how to begin.

But I am starting over. And hopefully this time, I know better.

(Note: Dear readers, any advice you could give a confused child in her  mid-twenties? Please feel free to share your experiences and opinions. Thank you for reading.)

In The Tides of Death

How weird, and yet somehow fascinating, it is, that the same water I bathe myself with this morning, is now slowly crushing me as I drown into this cold, dark, seemingly bottomless chasm. I felt the tides pulling and pushing, pushing and pulling, until these waters finally claimed me. I always wondered how it felt to be here. I loved the ocean, the smell of salt water, the sound of its tides reaching the shore and I always wondered how great would it be if I could be a part of the sea. Well, now I am going to be, in a cruel, agonizing way. I did not anticipate that being a part of this ocean meant pure, excruciating pain. I never got stabbed in my life, but I guess this is how it feels like to be stabbed in the lungs repeatedly with ice-cold daggers. I can feel the life going out of me. Darkness is starting to close in on me an all sides. It is all gonna end soon, I guess. I at least have to see the sun one last time. I want to see the last glimpse of light before I let this body of water engulf me and my last thread of consciousness… And so I tried to figure out which way was up. There. There was something else.

That’s when I saw it. I saw something that chilled my spine more than this cold water ever could. And though I have given up the will to live, fear struck me as I saw the beast looking down on me, with his fiery blood red eyes looking into mine. It looked like some human-dragon hybrid gone horribly wrong with its sharp horns that resembled a ram’s, stained and filthy. I didn’t have time to wonder how many bodies it has pierced as I saw its black-scaled body slowly going towards me. All I can think about is how I wish I never looked up. Then I wouldn’t have seen its demon-like face that left me so paralyzed with fear that I couldn’t look away. I wouldn’t have seen that instead of having legs and feet, it had a long scaly tail that seems to grow out from its torso, boosting his speed towards me. I wouldn’t have seen its claws slowly  reaching out to grab me, as I closed my eyes realizing that I am a few seconds away from being ripped to shreds. 

Nothing happened. Now that I stopped relying on sight, I sensed no blood thirst. I forced my eyes open. 

It was still there.  It was still reaching out to me. 

With my last bit of strenghth, I reached out my hand. 

The beast was trying to save me. 

Cobwebbed

How she ended up in this sticky, messy situation is beyond her comprehension.

One moment she was flying. The next, she was trapped.

And the more her tiny body struggles to be set free, the more the silk covers every part of her sad little life.

“Maybe this is a place as good as any.” she thinks. “I have nowhere to go. Maybe this is where I’m meant to be.”

She sensed the unquenchable bloodthirst.  Oddly, she felt so alive. 

She smiled. The bloodthirst came from her. The prey turned to predator. 

She decided to make this web her own. Within the moment of that very thought, the silk seemed to bend at her will.

She felt a thread vibrate. She bared her fangs, ready to strike. Anytime now. 

Don’t Tell Anyone

I am going to let you in on a secret. I’ll tell you about a special friend of mine.

My friend is neither a he nor a she but for the reader’s imagination, let’s just say it’s a dude. And the name I will be giving him is Douglas Black. Now that we got that covered, let’s proceed.

Douglas is really special. He has this annoying super power where he can turn big or small on a whim. Which can also be super annoying. Whenever I bring him along with me, he shrinks into such a miniscule size that others wouldn’t notice him even when he is biting them in the nose. That’s the reason I can never introduce him to anyone because they would probably think I’m making up stuff or worse, they’d be scared I’m going crazy and say that Doug is all in my head and shit like that. It’s really annoying. Even though I have no intentions of showing him to the whole world, I do want those people really close to me to get to know him but instead, I am forced to pretend that he doesn’t exist. Sometimes though, when we’re alone together, he gets so hungry for attention that he becomes so big that everything around me sort of disappears and he becomes the only thing I see. It’s really suffocating. I hate it when that happens.

Especially when we’re alone a lot. 

There are times when Doug goes into hiding for months, and I am guilty of totally forgetting about him whenever he isn’t around. There was a point when I even wondered if he was real. Remember how I told you that he loved attention? Well, he gets pissed about me not writing him any letters and makes me pay for it. First, he’d pay me a surprise visit. I would entertain him for a while but he tends to overstay his welcome. I am talking about days that turn into weeks, and weeks that turns into months. Whenever I have plans to go out with my other friends, he throws a tantrum and I’d be inclined to stay with him until he pipes down. Sometimes it takes a while but he often doesn’t. He would barely let me answer calls or even messages, so I’d have to make up an excuse to my other friends later on about why I wasn’t able to come. And so whatever is left of my social life crumbles away. 

I guess by this time, you’re wondering about why I am friends with such a dominant, possessive, attention-seeking, clingy son of a bitch. I wouldn’t be if it just weren’t for a fact that I am kind of stuck with it. I don’t even remember how we met, but when Douglas’ existence came into my life, it just felt like the most natural thing. It’s some kind of disturbing love-hate relationship, I guess. 

I know I’ve been whining about the seemingly countless times that he keeps me to himself, but the truth is, I really don’t feel the need to hang out and socialize and fulfill social relationships. I disliked small talk anyway and the constant need to coexist with some people really drains my energy. 

With Doug, I don’t need to bend over backwards just to fit into society and be pleasing in its eyes. I don’t have to be anybody or anything. I can just stay at home with Doug, succumb to watching TV, reading all my favorite books and sleep until noon. 

It doesnt matter how Doug keeps me up ’til the sun rises, time seems so meaningless now and it just seems funny how it used to bind me. 

It doesn’t matter if I wake up at night and sleep in the mornings, I hated the sun anyway. 

I hate how it reminds me that I had to go through another day. 

I hate how it reminds me that I need to be at some place at some time to do some thing.

I hate how it reminds me that I had to do all that and not mess it up. Like I always do.

I hate how it reminds me that it will show up again tommorow, and then the next day, and the day after that.

And that Douglas Black will be there. Tommorow.  The next day. The day after that. 

And the days will turn in to weeks. 

And the weeks, into months. 

And the months may turn into years.

And maybe, just maybe, this time…

He’s never going to leave.

Gluttony, Greed and Gore

He has come this far to achieve the greatness that he desired: To be the greatest cook the world has ever known.

On some kind of fate, after all the travelling and searching he has done, he somehow ended up as guest in front of the dining table of a legendary great cook who mysteriously retired on this island. The old man offered to serve him dinner, and maybe this was destiny’s way of finally ending his quest, with the discovery of this man’s secret.

“Do you want to know what is the best spice of all?”

Of course he wanted to know. This is what he came all this way for.

“It makes everything, EVERYTHING, you serve the best thing the person’s ever devoured.”

He listened intently as he sipped his wine. This is it. At last.

With a smile, the old man whisphered “Hunger.”

What?

“Hunger makes everything taste better.”

He was starting to feel faint.

“Starve them and feed them…”

Was it the wine? It can’t be. 

“They wanted to stop me, you see?”

He felt his body crash to the floor. As his ears pressed against the carpet, he heard faint cries from below.

“Now they won’t stop begging me for food. ‘Please’, they say. ‘We’re so hungry.'”

Then he heard the door click. It was locked.

“Starve them and feed them… Starve them and feed them… Starve them and feed them…”

Bloody Drummer Boy

This head makes too much noise at night that it wakes up the little drummer who slumbers within the cavities of my chest. 

I really don’t want him to wake up.

You see, he is a little dense and thinks that the cardiac muscles are his toys. Whenever he gets over excited, he drums away ever so insanely, it feels like it is ripping all the little strings that is holding my heart together. 

I think he is wishing for an escape; but the time isn’t right. Not yet.

I told him to keep quiet or my right hand might get annoyed and carve him out of my chest with a knife. 

The Ramblings of a Night Enthusiast

No norms. No social standards. No eyes to judge you. Not even your own.

The dark is always a place of comfort. You don’t have to be prim and proper. You don’t have to sit upright, or smile and listen and pretend to care bout the woes of the world. 

You can find freedom in a new different form. You can let yourself be who you are, for no one is there to see that inner dormant self you’ve been hiding from the eyes of the society. You don’t have to be pretty. You don’t have to be pleasing. You don’t have to be perfect. 

Why be in the light all the time? The light blinds you, exposes you, makes you vulnerable wherein the dark calms and soothes.

Everything that you have been worrying about in this life would cease to matter. Being broke? Deep in debts? The dark is for free. Do you look like a mess? Still haven’t shed that extra pounds? Do you look too pale? It won’t matter because no one can see. Stressed about that promotion? Wait, what promotion, you don’t even have a career! Or you think you do but the truth is, it may be moving too fast for you, or going backwards or it may even be stagnant, but eitherway you are still going to stress out about it. But not here, not in the dark. It does not care who you are or should be. It does not have the standards you or the society has set for yourself.

The dark is your ally. And in this world where being different isolates, why not embrace it?

And here, my friends, are my thoughts before I force myself to wake up.

(Featured image source: http://minimonstermill.deviantart.com/art/Day-to-Night-Matte-Painting-354692064)